


Zero fucks given

by Catoncoffee



Category: Naruto
Genre: BAMF Haruno Sakura, Crossdressing, Fluff, Idiots in Love, M/M, gay as fuck, kakashi regretting life choices, lots of gay, rainbow life, sasuke being gay as fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-14 03:16:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20593796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catoncoffee/pseuds/Catoncoffee
Summary: One moment he was seriously thinking that the ramen tasted somewhat weird , next thing he knows he's surrounded by corpses , his brother standing in the moonlight life freaking Batman and Sasuke throws away his last functioning brain cell . He is not dealing with this shit , not again .A teen Sasuke who can't be bothered to give a fuck , his team that seriously believe he has some brain damage and a intelligent shadow he loves more than life itself .  His first life was angst and revenge . His second is more on the line of madness , laziness and a weird fear of ramen .





	1. Death by ramen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke curses Naruto and his ramen loving damned soul . It turns out to be a good thing .

He feels like he should laugh . Or cry . Or maybe both . This has to be a joke . A cosmic joke played by that damned old man . One thing he knows for sure , is that this is Naruto's fault . Completely , because if not for his idiot of a teammate , Sasuke wouldn't be in this situation . Choking on a piece of probably expired ramen . If this is how he goes , he's going to haunt that damn motherfucker from beyond the grave .

Sasuke Uchiha . Rinnegan owner , last Uchiha alive . The man who fought monsters , gods and bullheaded teammates and still made it on top . A legend . One of the most powerful humans in the world and this is how he goes . Death by ramen .

God he hates Karma . He bets Kaguya is laughing at him right now from the afterlife , probably waiting for his sorry ass to humiliate him even more .

So there he was . Dying , in the most lame way possible . God ... at least he didn't die on the toilet . Now that would have been a nightmare .

'Did you hear ? The legendary Sasuke Uchiha who defeated the moon goddess and Madara Uchiha died in his bathroom ?!'

He shudders just thinking about it . But as he lied there , dying , Sasuke found he didn't have a lot of regrets . Sure , he wasted most of his life being a broody son of a bitch but then , what Uchiha hasn't ? It was practically in their blood to be dark and depressed assholes only to later turn into complete nut jobs . Obito ? Wearing a orange mask and dueling people with a stick from the 'gods '. Madara ? Going all super villain and trying to rule the world . Itachi ? Living with a bunch of nutcases , wearing matching cloaks like a boy band and breathing drama 24/7 . 

Case in point . 

One thing stuck with him though . Through all that pain and suffering . Those confusing teenage years when his voice had started changing and he was too horrified to say anything other than 'hn ' , he was always there . A pair of dark intelligent eyes , drawled tone and sluggish movements .

He probably doesn't even remember it . Why should he ? But Sasuke never forgot .

The first day at the academy after the massacre had been a disaster . The Hokage had been a fucking idiot to send him back so soon . A fangirl had naively asked why he had been missing for over a week . Civilian , with little brains and even little common sense , she brought back images of red corpses , streets flowing with blood and his mother's slit throat .

_He _had found Sasuke on the roof , having a panic attack . He didn't try to move him , talk to him or even hug him like any other might have . He just sat down , back to back , and spoke of mundane things . How he had played shogi with his old man and was beaten like usually . How his mother was a raging she beast when he didn't fold his clothes . How his best friend obsessed over a new flavor of chips and soon , Sasuke's breathing calmed down and his sobs quieted .

Shikamaru had said nothing about it , just handed him a onigiri saying his mother always made too much for him . And when he bit into that salty rice , he was surprised to find it filled with tomatoes .

"I noticed you liked them ."

And that was that . Sasuke had fallen and he had fallen hard . Shikamaru had never brought it up afterwards so Sasuke had just started to watch him from the distance . Like a creep . But at that age his fangirls were trying to steal his underwear so really , he was nothing .

He had watched the lazy genius grow up , his crush on him growing with him . He was planning on asking him out after he made chunin . Shikamaru was bi , basically everyone knew that after he commented with a straight face that Kiba had a great ass and his jacket wasn't doing him any favors .

Sasuke knew he was good looking . He wouldn't have had so many fangirls otherwise . Too bad for them , he was gayer than a rainbow . He had panicked a while after discovering this . How was he supposed to restore his clan if even thinking of kissing a girl had him gagging . Of course he then noticed that there were many couples of the same sex , still had children that looked like both of them .

A visit at the ninja library and a few very disturbing hours later , he learned Senju Tsunade had developed a system for same sex couples that wanted to have a child . Something about genes and a lot of shit he couldn't understand . The point was however that he could still have children that would inherit the sharingan even with a male .

He had it all planned out .

Then fucking Orochimaru happened and his hickey of doom . Sasuke went drunk on the power and even the horrified eyes of Shikamaru as he broke the Sound nin's arms wasn't enough to stop him . God , he had been such a idiot .

Years later , Shikamaru had married that Suna girl . Gaara's sister . He started smoking , looked happy enough but there were moment when his gaze was so sad it hurt Sasuke physically . 

So if he would be asked if he had any regrets it would be him . It would be not chasing after Shikamaru when he had the chance . The only person he ever had any romantic feelings towards . Sakura had kept hoping , even after he had abandoned the village and tried to kill her , she still 'loved ' him . The day he lost his hand and he and Naruto finally made peace, there she was . Waiting for him to say it . She was sorely disappointed .

"Sakura ... I ... am gay as fuck ."

Her utterly horrified look , Naruto's booming laughter and even Kakashi's cackles made that one of his fondest memories .

'So my last thoughts will be that I'm sorry I never got to go out with that guy , eh ? How very gay of me .' He cackled at his thoughts , chocking on that damn poisonous ramen and finally closed his eyes . 

Sasuke went still and waited for his death .

Only to be waken by a terrible pain in his left eye and a few chakra signatures suddenly landing next to him . His eyes snapped open instinctively , and the hand that was heading towards him was grabbed and in no time at all he had the person in a choke hold . He looked around , counting the intruders and potential enemies only to freeze . Because in front of him , looking like a blast from the past , stood five figures with white animal masks .

Anbu .

He started down at the person he was still choking . Also Anbu .

Sasuke then finally noticed the red that surrounded him , the corpses that looked far too familiar and the night sky that was not the one he remembered .

"Oh fuck ."

And then he passed out , a silver haired Anbu barely managing to catch him as he released his teammate from his choke hold . He stared at the pale child in front of him shocked and more than a little scared . Because the boy managed to immobilize a Anbu , and because his left eye glowed a eerie purple , surrounded by rings .

-

He awakes to a white room , soft bed and a annoying beeping he loathes to remember . Any minute now Sakura is going to burst in here throwing a tantrum and honestly at this point , he'd rather slit his own throat . Then reality hit him over the head as he opened his eyes and stared at the figure of the Third Hokage . AKA , the old good for nothing geezer that should be long dead . Probably party in the afterlife not looking at him with those familiar kind , old man eyes .

The previous night's memories hit him like a train as he chocked on air .

"Sasuke-kun . Do you know who you are ? Do you remember what happened ?"

He stared with a blank face at the fart bag , noticing for the first time that he had chakra restraining cuffs chaining him to the bed . Not that they had much effect on him . He looked around the room , noticing the hidden Anbu outside the room and the various seals pulsing with chakra on the walls . His Rinnegan pulsed , the flimsy chakra draining cuffs falling away in pieces as he activated his sharingan and tried to dispel the genjutsu .

"Kai ! "

Nothing .

"Kai ! "

No change . Ok , now he was panicking . His sharingan swirled around , trying to stop a illusion that wasn't there . A cough pulled him from his panicking .

"Sasuke-kun . You're in the hospital , this is not a genjutsu ." The Hokage said and had to stop a shiver when a mismatched pair of eyes locked with his . Swirling tomoes in red and purple eyes .

Sasuke waited for the illusion to break but nothing happened . No genjutsu could hold when a rinnegan was used . Not even the infinite one . So that could mean only one thing . He was , somehow , back in the past . Just after Itachi killed his entire clan and the whole shit-storm started .

He blinked , then reacted in the only possible way . He started laughing . Loud cackling laughs that reminded him weirdly enough of Orochimaru when he was in one of his 'dramatic' moods .

The Hokage on the other hand stared at the boy with wide eyes . The youth was shaking with the force of his laughter , hands clenching his stomach as tears ran down his eyes . The insane laughter echoed through the room and Sarutobi was suddenly reminded of a familiar memory . Pale skin , dark hair and yellow eyes , same laugh . Same glint in his eyes , and he was scared .

He had promised himself that he wouldn't allow another abomination like his student to be born yet again . And now ? Now history was laughing at him in the form of one small child with the power of gods in his eyes .

It took a while for Sasuke to calm down . Eventually though his chuckles stopped and he had to turn towards the old man sitting in the hospital chair by his bed . The dead man walking . He smiled , wide with too many teeth and knew that the Hokage was panicking inside his mind because no matter how much he tried to deny it , he always had a weird likeness to Orochimaru . And Sarutobi Hiruzen saw it without a doubt .

"Sorry about that ... what did you ask me ?" He asked as if he hadn't been laughing like a lunatic for the last ten minutes . The Hokage seemed to be deciding whether he should bring it up or not before he finally spoke .

"I asked if you remembered what happened the previous night ."

"Oh ! You mean my brother going all crazy and killing the whole clan ? No , how could I ever remember that ?"

"I see ... How are you feeling Sasuke-kun ? A Yamanaka will be here shortly to speak with you ."

"Well , my throat is kinda sore , my left eye tingles from time to time and I'm hungry as hell . Oh , and if you send a shrink here , I will set them on fire . No questions asked ."

"You went through a traumatic experience Sasuke-kun , it's normal to seek counseling during a time such as this -"

"On fire . "

"Sasuke-kun -"

"I'll even cook marshmallows over it ."

"... Very well . I cannot force you to accept help but I greatly advise you to ."

"Thanks . How soon can I get out of here ?"

"Seeing as your mental state is ... not as damaged as we believed " that proved by copious amounts of manic laughter , " you will have to stay a few days under observation until you can be released ."

Sasuke gave the Hokage a look . If Tsunade and Sakura from the future with their terrifying tempers didn't manage to keep him in the hospital , then the present pathetic doctors had no chance .

The old man left after a few more boring words and Sasuke was left alone to contemplate his new life . He knew a few things for sure .

One , gone were the brooding times of his teenhood .

Two , he was petty as hell , that meant he wasn't about to downgrade his skills . Sure , he won't be pulling out any Susanoo or Amaterasu flames , even the Chidori , but he won't be nowhere near the abilities of his past self . A quick look at his chakra reserves showed he had twice as much chakra compared to his childhood years . And while he was sure he would have to relearn many of his skills , he had a perfect memory of them thanks to his sharingan . That cut his training time in more than half .

Three , he was definitely asking Shikamaru out .

As he lay there , planning his next gay takeover , the door was slit open .

A man entered , covered in bandages and carrying a walking stick , Sasuke was seriously wondering what the odds were .

Danzo was staring at his rinnegan with a hungry eye , he could almost see the bastard salivate . Sadly though , Sasuke couldn't kill the old bastard now , unless he wanted to become a missing nin again . So instead he raised one perfect eyebrow , thank you Uchiha genes , and stared at the crazy old weirdo .

"And who the hell are you ? I said I would set fire to the therapist and I'm not kidding ." Danzo opened his mouth , but Sasuke had no desire to listen to bullshit today so he interrupted him . " Oh , you know what ? I don't even care ."

And with that , his rinnegan pulsed with power before he was suddenly somewhere else . Staring at the huge gates of the old Uchiha compound of his childhood , Sasuke smiled .

"Let's do this shit ."


	2. Second chance

He was staring at the clouds , leaning back on his hands relaxed . He felt the chakra signature before he heard him . And just like a memory never forgotten , a warmth was suddenly pushing against his back .

He breathed in for a second . Before he leaned back .

Time passed without his notice . Soon enough a onigiri was shoved under his nose and Sasuke couldn't stop a smile at the familiar action . This was the moment he had always regretted . How he'd never acted farther . 

Not this time . He had a second chance to be as gay as his queer soul screamed at him to . He sure as hell wasn't about to miss it . 

So he turned around and smiled for the first time at the surprised Nara heir .

"Thank you . I'm Sasuke ." He raised his hand , knowing that other boy probably already knew who he was but it was common curtsy to introduce yourself to your future spouse , ahem , I mean friend . Shikamaru to his credit , just stared at him for a second before he shook his hand back .

"Shikamaru ."

"So , wanna be friends ?"

That was the moment it started . Of course , hanging around Shikamaru obviously meant he would have to hang around Choji but surprisingly the chubby boy was not as insufferable as he remembered , sure he went nuts if you called him fat but other than that he was pretty tame .

Life was good . Or was definitely better than the first time around . The Hokage had advised / ordered him to wear a eyepatch to cover his rinnegan , that left him with even more fangirls as his 'cool factor' had increased . Honestly , _this _is why he was gay . Women were impossible . 

Between training to regain his former or better yet , future powers , hanging around with Shikamaru and Choji and pinning after the Nara like a love sick puppy . His days were rather well spent . Until he ran into the number one nightmare of his childhood .

A blonde eyesore to be precise . 

The idiot that had chased after him most of his life . To be honest , at one point in his life when he was planning on killing his brother , avoiding Karin and her stalker tendencies , Naruto had kept popping up in his life always shouting the same thing . He had assumed Naruto had suffered from some sort of injury and the only words he was able to make were 'Sasuke , come back to Konoha !' 

He was later proved wrong of course , when he had managed to destroy one of the idiot's hands and he finally made peace with the fact that Sasuke went wherever he wanted , and wouldn't listen to loud and bothering shouting . It took him a few years to realize there was a more polite and humane way of asking Sasuke to come over , writing him a letter . Naruto however at that point was already a Hokage and most of his idiocy had been spent .

Notice how he said most .

Now it wasn't his businesses to judge . But the dobe was a pretty terrible husband and parent . In all the times he visited the village he would find Sakura at the Hospital , not surprising since she basically lived there or with Kakashi . Since he had dropped the gay bomb on her , the rosette took some time away to reevaluate her life choices and a few months later he heard she and Kakashi had gotten together . All in all , he was rather supportive of the idea and glad that his first sensei had gotten over most of his issues and he seemed better with Sakura around .

Then came Naruto . Who was always at the office , or away on businesses . How he rarely visited home or spent time with his wife and children . How Boruto had confided in him that most of the time Naruto slept on the couch anyway .

Considering all the time he chased after him , Sasuke wasn't all that surprised . Add that to the fact that all he would have to do is call and Naruto would drop everything and join him was a pretty big marker . If he wasn't already so set on Shikamaru , he might have given it a chance but for Sasuke , the shadow user was the only person he ever felt that way towards .

It was pretty sad if he thought about it . How Naruto probably never realized until it was too late how gay he was . He had convinced himself that this second life could be a new start for this Naruto too . If they were placed on the same team again , which was more than likely , he will help the blonde realize he was more on the rainbow side .

Bring his inner gay out .

That had been the plan at least ... Two weeks back and he was already more than happy with letting the idiot throw his life away and spend it all in the closet .

He'd forgotten . Completely forgotten .

Not that surprising considering most his teen and early days were filled with memories of training , brooding , planning on killing Itachi and admiring Shikamaru from afar . And no , it wasn't stalking , what the little Hyuga heiress did , _that_ was stalking . Anyway , he had little recognition of Naruto in his early days .

Who would have thought that he would miss the somewhat adult version of him that ran around the globe after him screaming at him to 'come home '. He certainly never did . But as he stared at the little gremlin that once again declared him his rival and jumped around like a rubber ball , he seriously began to consider setting him on fire .

Luckily , God took form in Shikamaru as the genius quickly noticed how short Sasuke's temper was beginning to be when the blonde began to scream at him , so he started dragging the Uchiha heir away . A fact he was most happy about . Years passed like this , and Sasuke's crush on him only grew . Now , eleven years old and still being rescued by Shikamaru , Sasuke felt pretty happy with life .

'Salvation , thy name is Shikamaru .' He thought as he stared at the somewhat tanned hand that was dragging him along , not noticing the blush on his face or Choji's calculating eyes .

Until a couple days later that is .

"So ... how long have you liked Shikamaru ?" The Akimichi asked one day as the two were sitting on the roof , waiting for their friend who was usually late . Sasuke proceeded to choke on air and look at the boy with shock .

"What ?!" He managed to squeak . Choji smirked and Sasuke's mind started spinning .

'Oh god , how he was able to tell ? Do I have to kill him now ? Dispose of the evidence ?! I don't want to ! Choji is a surprisingly good friend and has a unlimited supply of chips ! '

"Come on , I spend enough time around you two to figure it out . Shikamaru might not . Despite all his genius , he's pretty clueless when it comes to stuff like this ."

Seeing no reason to argue , Sasuke just sighed and laid back .

"Yeah , I figured ."

"So ... when did it start ? " 

He was silent a few moments , contemplating his answer before he finally spoke .

"First day after I came back to school . He was the only one that treated me the same . Didn't ask me any stupid questions . Didn't try to feel sorry for me or hug me . He was just ... there ."

"Aha ... yeah , Shikamaru is good like that ."

"He's one of the kindest people I know ... how could I not fall for that ?"

Choji studied him a good moment after that . Finally , he nodded , bringing his fist forward .

"Alright man , I won't say a thing until you do ."

Sasuke smiled and bumped his fist against his .

"Thanks ."

Neither of them were aware of Shikamaru as he stood a few feet away , chakra hidden and hands covering his red face .

'Oh shit .'

He'd known Sasuke was gay . It was a pretty big thing to miss . If none of the fangirls had noticed yet , it was out of desperate denial rather than lack of proof . When they were eight years old , Sasuke had began to wear nail polish . Not a surprising thing considering most 'emo' guys that wore black had dark nails , and Sasuke definitely had the looks for that .

Then of course , he started wearing anything other than black .

Blue shorts , that were definitely too short for a straight guy . Colored tank-tops that left his flat stomach visible and knee socks that usually had a weird pattern on them . One day he came in wearing red eyeshadow , and Shikamaru was 100% certain , Sasuke was embracing his gayness .

He never wore outrageous colors in public . Sure , he sometimes mixed it up with a pale pink or a purple but he'd never seen him wear neon or shiny things outside . He wouldn't of course , he was a Uchiha , no matter what his gay soul screamed at him , he had to maintain some sort of control .

Until he and Choji came over at his place once , planning on surprising him . It was them that got surprised .

A completely different Sasuke had opened the door .

Messy hair held back with pink clips . Medical patch over his left eye , wearing a pink tank top with a cartoon of a rainbow on it , a neon green skirt and pink socks . The two had frozen in place . Sasuke on the other hand , treated them as usual . He smiled , made crazy references none of them ever got and was a incredible host , providing them with refreshments and drinks .

At one point , Choji had caved in and asked .

"Sasuke , are you gay ?"

The boy had frozen for a second , before smiling at them somewhat strained .

"Yes , it's kinda obvious ... That a problem ?"

The two had shook their heads simultaneously and Sasuke was back to smiling and being cheery like a daisy , their friendship remaining unbroken .

He knew he was gay . But to hear him say he'd had a crush on him for so long left him kind of stumped .

Sure , Sasuke was funny , and smart , and sassy , and down right adorable when he wanted to . And sure , he had a cute butt , not that he ever looked ! Oh and alright , he knew all his favorite foods , and hobbies , and could basically move around his house with his eyes closed . And maybe sometimes he's stare a little longer at him when he laughed or had that challenging smirk on his face . But that didn't mean he liked him ! 

... Didn't it ?

'Kami-sama ...I am so fucked ...'

Shikaku Nara came home that day , to find his genius of a son lost in thought , staring at the shogi board and looking more serious than he'd ever seen him . Knowing his son , Shikaku wasn't sure of what to expect . The question was definitely not it .

"Dad , how can you tell when you like someone ?"

Oh boy .

"Like as in , like like ?" He asked back , sitting down on the other side of the board . His son gave him the most unimpressed look he'd ever seen as a answer . " Well , it depends how you feel about this person . Do you want to see them happy ? Do you know them well enough to develop a crush ? Do you feel good around them ? "

Shikamaru stared at his lap for a moment .

"Yes ..."

"Do you find them attractive ? At your age , hormones play a big part in it and physical likeness is very important . Then again , you're you so you might not feel that at all . Do you ?"

"He's one of the prettiest guys in the class ... maybe the prettiest according to his fangirls ..." Shikamaru mumbled and Shikaku had to contain a smirk . Sure , it might be petty to interrogate his son when he was asking for advice , but this was Shikamaru . He was pretty sure he won't live long enough to see him get a crush let alone get married .

Now that he had the mysterious person's gender and descriptions , he was pretty sure he knew who his son was talking about .

"I see . Do you think he likes you back ?"

Shikamaru went bright red and Shikaku had to stop the urge to shout for his wife to bring a camera .

"I'll take that as a yes . Look son . You have to ask yourself if you want a relationship with this boy , and if you think it will be worth it . You know what they say about Naras and love ."

Their first choice , was almost always their forever . Naras had good brains , brilliant in fact . They weren't ones to get swayed by looks or money or other petty things . When they found a partner , someone they could truly relate to , it was almost always the person they tended to spend the rest of their life with . Sure , it was unusual to find their match so early in life , but if his hunch was right , Shikamaru had nothing to worry about . That boy adored his son like there was no tomorrow and Shikaku had a pretty good feeling that they would make a great pair .

Shikamaru seemed to think it all over , before he nodded and raised .

"Thanks dad ."

The next day , the Nara heir knocked on Sasuke's door and was greeted with a sleepy Uchiha , still in his pajamas . He tried not to think too much how cute Sasuke looked in a cat onsie .

"Shikamaru ? " He yawned , rubbing at his eye with one hand ." Whatcha doin' here so early ?"

He stared into that familiar dark eye , gathered all his courage and asked .

"Sasuke , want to go on a date with me ?"

The Uchiha's mouth fell open .


End file.
